45. mouthy boys: pt. ii

you know
i had a lot of whiskey one night
after a work party
and me and this boy
alex

well we would always flirt at work
he had freckles
and strong arms
and he could be so damn funny
and who the fuck knows

but we end up making out
on my couch
and then I gave him a ride to his motorcycle
and end up making out
in my car
and he fingered me a bit -
which is, like, the easiest thing to do
when you pretend like your
pointer is a penis
and that the clit is erroneous
and he
kept
on
trying
to fuck me.

and after the last fucking time
of saying
'i'm not going to fuck you tonight
if you want to stop and go home.'

he pulled his fingers out of me
and said
'but you own a sex magazine'

which is all
you really need to know
about that night.

44. mouthy boys

mouthy boys
so concerned with making their
loud voices heard and their
large mouths recognized,
mouthing to other mouthy boys
words like 'slut,' 'fuck,' and
'kelly and laura will fuck anything
                                                     in a band
                                                     with a paintbrush
                                                     with a bag of coke
                                                     with tattoos
                                                     with a dick'

and you
bless you
got so upset, so angry
infuriated, heartbroken,
because, you mouthed,
'i won't let them say that about you' and
'what the fuck do they know?' and
'they don't know what they're fucking talking about -


                                                                                  - do they?'

concern filling your eyes
disappointment shaping your mouth

you're scared,
and you want me to reassure you,
make you feel better,
you want me to say
'our sex is different' and
'our love is different' and

you want to hear me say that
i won't fuck anything with a dick

which is true because
frankly
there are far too many dicks
and pussies
in this world
then there are
hours in a day -

but you don't want to hear that.

and i don't want to tell you
what you want me to hear, because
frankly
the reason i choose to fuck you
every fucking day
is because
i thought
you were better than that -

but goddamnit if you're not
another mouthy fucking boy
some days.                                                

43. strange animals

i wanted you to be the third of my lovers
to live off of holly street

so when i knowingly wandered
into the neighborhood
over a mile from my house
november chilled winded
small hot coffee
wrist supported, finger wrapped 
my dog drawing my body forward
tracing the smells and steps 
of the dogs before -

with their hypersensitive noses
and hypersensitive ears
and calloused paws,
dogs are such strange animals -

we would pass your houses
and my dog could trace the smells and steps
of the dogs before
and I could trace the smells and steps
you used
to get me into your houses
off of holly street -
wrist supported finger wrapped
knowingly wandering over a mile
you strange animals
drawing my body forward

because i wanted you to be the third of my lovers
to live off of holly street
and as coincidence would have it
you would've been the third of my lovers
i simultaneously met and bedded
whilst drinking whiskey and psilocybin
a combination resulting in the most
hypersensitive of noses.

and as coincidence would have it
you would have been the third of my 
psilocybin and whiskey-intoroduced
holly street living lovers
whom i met at a music festival
in a dusty part of texas
in the heat of summer
the temperature situation
highlighting the hypersensitivity of the ears.

and if we're being honest
we'll admit
it is no longer coincidence 
that you would have been the third
psilocybin whiskey holly street music dust
what a strange animal you all were -

who was also a musician
playing your music to morocco and back
and i'm here
wandering around holly street
my body drawn forward by cold november dust
fingers wrapped in hot psilocybin whiskey coffee
nose, ears, calloused paws all alert and aware -

just another strange animal
tracing smells and steps.

42. east austin

there has been 27 times I figured I'd see you
a rough estimate for sure,
but the one time I didn't -

this morning
I walked through the doorway of
Flattrack Coffee
double espresso almond milk
small white paper cup
sipped
walked through Farwell Books
thumbed a RAW PAW zine
tried on a white bralette at Las Cruxes
check my watch, say goodbye
stepped out onto Cesar Chavez
took a right towards the corner
Cesar Chavez and San Marcos St.
at the corner, another right
down San Marcos St
passing the doorway
of Flattrack coffee -
I heard people inside laughing
toss the small white paper cup
into a sidewalk trashcan.

crossing San Marcos St. towards my car
I always remember to look both ways
when I don't forget

and to my left - you




I wanna say that you were smiling
your crooked smile -
as we paused upon seeing each other
three trucks and two trees apart
exchanged three-fingered waves
your long pinky and ring fingers holding
a small white paper cup -
but your head was tilted
and I couldn't tell and I felt nauseous
and kept walking.

I drove away with my mind still tucked, with my curls,
into the neckline of that same blue shirt of yours -
on top of the mattress on top of the world on top of your floor
on top of my breath
which I have finally managed to catch
as I realize that you must've turned around-



having been laughing,
having already seen me
walk past the coffeeshop door
just seconds prior.

41. my hymen in five acts

Act I
in which my femininity is confirmed by my virginity

Act II
in which my femininity is confirmed by my lackthereof

Act III
in which my femininity is questioned by my lackthereof

Act IV Scene I
in which I should've known better

Act IV Scene II
in which I should've known better

Act IV Scene III
in which I should have known better.

Intermission

Act V
in which my femininity is confirmed
as I simultaneously do and do not
know better.

40. holly street

if I ignore that last
affair, then our
affair was lovely.

how opportune that the human brain
can pick and choose what it wants to
accept and replay those options back
as if they were truth. because the truth is

                                                                you
                                                                       were
                                                                                a choice
and if I could make you again
and againand again
   I would

 and you could ask me to pluck the
                       feathers of a grackle
                                    as it cackles
                       shitting in my hands
and i would
you could ask me to
make fake orgasm noises
in your ear
so you could cum
and tangle yourself in
my curls and i would
i mean
i did

and you could ask me to come over
                          when you're lonely
               and need someone to hold
                           your skinny frame
                      and I am embarrassed
how often I inquire for your address.

39. strange boy

your forehead was larger.

and in the heat of texas summer,

you wore three shirts

in various shades of blue

your hair was thicker 

than i anticipated.

and you thought for a long,

very long,

time before you spoke

i thought it was just my memory,

but that photo i took of you

proved

that you did,

indeed,

have unusually long fingers,

about the length

of your small black notebook.

you drank a lot of water,

but never ceased drinking whiskey.

you always said yes.

your smile

was quite literally shocking

and your belly

was softer 

than i anticipated.

you

were softer

than i anticipated.

and i suppose

all of this thinking of you

has worked me up into

some sort of energetic tizzy

that has traveled across this town,

but you just called me

43 minutes ago,

and every part of me

is still buzzing